Another quick note about how attachment theory “blames the mom” for everything.
Yes, that’s true on one level. Mom is usually the primary caregiver. And our attachment conditioning comes mostly from the interactions with the primary caregiver.
But, as we discover with meditation there is no self that is apart from others and apart from our conditioning.
You parents did the best they could. They only had their conditioning to inform them. They are ultimately blameless.
You are no different in any way.
This is how compassion is wise and holding grudges is not too helpful.
Now, of course part of healing is experiencing and allowing for the anger…..and then working through it and letting it go.
You can think of the three insecure styles of attachment in the following terms.
- Dismissal is the state of the Internal Working Model of Attachment (IWM) being poisoned and mixed with rejection.
- Preoccupation is where the IWM is poisoned and mixed with angst provoking pressure and expectation to role reverse and take care of the parent.
- Disorganized is when the IWM is poisoned by and mixed up with fear. This highly problematic conditioning generally brings with it the other elements of dismissing and preoccupation, as well.
Another way of thinking about attachment is in terms of how you think of self and how you think of others .
Secure: I am good, reliable, and strong and others are too.
When we can’t access the attachment mechanism cleanly we can’t actually self-soothe, and emotionally self-regulate.
“Secure attachment is not an idea, it is an experience” — Mařenka Cerny
